IVF Update: No more Free NHS rounds left.

Hi Again,

I am almost at the end of the TWW. I am 9dp5dt and this morning i had another BFN. I know it's over. My OTD (Official Test Date) is actually Tues 13th (in 2 days time) but I've now had 3 BFNs in a row and even with my ectopic i had had a positive test by this point.

The worst bit about this now is that i've had a chemical, an ectopic and then this one that clearly didn't even get close. So i have to question my god damn womb. Whats the deal? Why you not let these embryos settle in? Is it the eggs? We know sperm is an issue but were doing ICSI so surely they are finding the best ones...

And now we don't have anymore free NHS goes. We have to find the funds to try again.

ACCESS FERTILITY
My goal for our next go is to get a decent amount fertilised and to day 5. We need frosties. Access fertility offer Multi-cycles and refund cycles. But they don't seem to be a finance loan company, i think they just bulk the whole IVF rounds into a package so you don't have to worry about paying as you go or being lumped with a massive bill.
Look like we are going to need to get a loan.

I feel so empty at the moment, i have no emotions, i'm just fed up of waiting for my time.

Why scaling down your social is really important

It's natural to compare yourself to others. We all do it, in pretty much every part of our lives. Jealousy is also normal. However, we shouldn't base our happiness on other peoples successes. And we shouldnt "act" on jelousy, there's no need. If you feel bitter you need to work on changing your mindset and changing things you are unhappy about. OR unfollow/block whatever upsets you.

How many times have you scrolled through facebook and seen "happy families" or nights out with champers, pictures of peoples new cars/houses etc etc and felt unhappy? C'mon i think we have all done it. But everyone only puts their "best life" or "best self" online.

Back in the day (yes i sound old but i'm only 32!) we didn't have social media,  so no one knew what Tom, Dick and Harry from high school were up to in life unless you were close friends or bumped into them in town, and even then they would only tell you their successes. :)

I do it myself, i only post things i like, or my house when its clean...and i can barely make myself post a selfie that isn't filtered. I think i'm addicted to snapchat filters because the camera never lies and it shows my wrinkles or chubby cheeks. But honestly, i don't want to live like this anymore.

In November i'm going to try and scale down how much time i spend on social media. So i'm going to try and do facebook only 1/2 an hour a day (and try not to use it all if i can) and only an hour on instagram (because this isn't as triggering as facebook - especially when i unfollow a load of useless celeb accounts)

I'm going to embrace my insecurities and just enjoy life. I want to do some creative projects, and start prepping for Christmas. Also the house needs a bit of TLC.

Wish me luck for #NOSOCIALNOVEMBER

IVF Update - Dealing with an Ectopic!

Hi Guys!! I am back! I haven't blogged for ages so i really wanted to do an update.

I can't believe that its been over a year since i spoke on here about my ivf. After my chemical back in July 17, we had to wait 3 months to try again. Then when the time came around the BMI limit had gone down to 29 (it used to be 30). So I couldn't start straight away i had to wait a few more months to get my weight down (annoying!)

So in April 2018 i started again, picked up my injections (short protocol this time) and we managed to get 14 eggs out of the 22 follicles we had. 10 were mature enough to inseminate (we're still doing ICSI) - 4 eggs fertilised and 2 made it to freeze! I've never done a fresh cycle due to the risk of OHSS.

FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) was scheduled for June, my transfer date was 18th June and we transferred 1 embryo. Everything seemed perfect, my lining was 14mm, but my transfer hurt like hell ( i won't be seeing that doc again thats for sure!). It didn't hurt at all the time before, so it kinda upset me, and i have mentioned it to my clinic. He really dug into me, i could feel him poking around!!

I got my first positive, a really faint line on 26th June, 8DPT (left) It was amazing, however i've seen a faint line before, on my last transfer, so i didn't want to get too excited. But my god, i was wishing the day away so i could test again the next day.

I think it's best to show you my notes:

Day of Transfer: Feeling fine, transfer did hurt a bit. Embryo is 5 day blasto and was starting to hatch. Loose bowels in afternoon. 

1dpt - loose bowels in the morning, tired. Bloated but think it’s trapped wind.

2dp5dt - loose bowels again, woke up feeling dehydrated, slight headache. Bit of a sore throat and then got a little bit of brown spotting when I wiped this morning. Might be from transfer though. Breathlessness. Went home from work at midday as I was freezing and shivery. Slept for an hour n half then was boiling. Feeling better by afternoon. Lower back pain all day.

3dpt - slight runny nose in the morning. dull aching in lower right abdomen and back. Twinges on right hand side. Sore throat when swallowing. Light Brown spotting.

4dp5dt - woke feeling fresh and good. No aches or twinges yet. 

5dp - bfn. Too early to test but wanted to anyway. Woke up hungry. Feel mostly normal today, but tired. Feel a bit full in lower stomach but could be nothing.

6dp5dt - BFN. Boobs hurt only when I press them and also when not got a bra on. A bit bloated but gassy.

7dp - BFN on internet cheapie. Boobs a bit sore, feel a bit bloated and lower back pain, kinda like af.

8dp5dt - BFP on first response but very very faint line. BFN on internet cheapie. Feel bloated and full but otherwise fine. Did a walk after work and have backache, maybe I over did it. 31 degrees outside today!

9dp - BFP! Still fainter than control line but clearly there. Had bad back pain, tiny bit of brown cm. felt bloated. Shooting pain left boob at night 

10dp5dt - BFP!! For deffo, did a digital that also said pregnant 1-2 weeks. Eeek. Spotting brown blood but only when I wipe every so often. 

11dp5dt - 29/06/18 - BFP on official test date. Woohoo. Still spotting brown blood. Hospital didn’t take my blood they just gave me more meds (progesterone and fragmin). Scan is booked for July 17th. Sore boobs when pressed. 

We were flying out to Cyprus for a friends wedding on the 1st July. So i rang the clinic on Official Test Date and let them know it was positive and had to go straight in that day (it was a Friday and we flew on Sunday) to pick up more Progesterone injections and my letter for the airport. I had a bit of brown blood when i wiped that day but forgot to mention it to them, i had googled and thought it was just implantation. However it got worse the day we flew...

12dp - still bfp. Almost matches control line. Still getting dark brown spotting

13dp5dt - didn’t do a test today, might take some on holiday. We go to cyprus today. Had more blood today than ever since bfp. Really worried me so bought tests at airport. 

14dp5dt - bfp still, thank god. Still not as dark as control line but I’m using boots test this time. Officially I’m 4wks 6days.

15dp - not bleeding today apart from very very little when wiping 

16dp5dt - Wednesday - bfp. Darker then Monday but a lot of bleeding today. Boobs not hurting as much. Very emotional. 

17dp - boobs not sore, spotting red blood, wearing a pad. cramps but nothing like af.

18dp5dt - spotting bright red again. Wearing pad. Wedding day (friends wedding day)

19dp - sat - red blood. 

This was the day, that halfway through the England match i felt so so uncomfortable that i couldn't sit still. I was wearing a pad because when i was wiping i had blood. I went up to the hotel room and went to the loo, i had belly ache so i wondered if this was why i felt achy and uncomfortable. So i went back down after the match and we went for tea, but i felt really bloated and uncomfortable again so as soon as dinner was finished i went up to the room and we chilled out and i tried to sleep. However i could get comfy, my left hand side hurt so bad. I told rick that since 16 dpt i hadn't "felt" pregnant, and theres something wrong. I just knew it. I googled Ectopic and had a feeling it was that. 

Going to Hospital
We went to the local Cypriot Doctor and they got us a taxi to the hospital as they couldn't do scans. During the scan the doctor said that he could see fluid outside of the womb and couldn't see anything in the womb yet but that was normal due to how many weeks i was. But the fluid wasn't normal. They had to admit me because it was a suspected Ectopic and its so dangerous. So around 2am i was in a bed, and had to kiss rick goodbye till the next day, and yes we both cried...

Because the next day was a Sunday they didn't have any doctors in (crazy i know!) so it was a nothing day of waiting around. On Monday i had another scan and i also had a blood test (which Rick had to take to a pharmacy to be tested) I was still bleeding, but filling around 2 pads a day. I was in pain but not mega pain, they gave me Paracetemol and they seemed surprised my pain wasn't worse. They started to wonder if it was just early pregnancy and not ectopic. However after a few more days, my HCG was going up, as was my pain (but it wasn't constant just every so often i felt uncomfortable, but i was also lying on my back or sitting on a bed all day! On the scan nothing was showing in the womb. Finally on Thursday 12th July they decided it was Ectopic and that i either needed to have a laparoscopy and remove the baby and tube, or take a medication that would make it disappear (however this could take weeks and they would not discharge me until my HCG was 0!) therefore I rang my UK clinic and we decided that the tube was already damaged and we should just remove it and get home quicker. I had now been in hospital for 6 days and was supposed to fly home on Wednesday.
On Friday 13th (my birthday) I had my ectopic removed via Laparoscopy. Probably the worst birthday ever.

The Op
Going down to the operating theatre was awful, first they shoved a pee bag thingy up my pee hole (painful for 2 seconds) then wheeled me down, its like what you see in the films, the lights above you flashing every few seconds. then when we got to this silver room (everywhere looked metal, i had to shift myself onto another bed. They wheeled me into the operating theatre and it was freezing!!! I was shaking so bad. They asked me a few questions, like DOB and if it was my first child :(
Then they put me under.
When i woke up i was in a little room just off the theatre and they had put a heating pipe blowing hot air under my cover because i was shaking. God knows if i was like that all the way through.
I felt uncomfortable, but was glad to get back to my bed. Originally they made out that it would only take 1.5hrs, but i went down at 10am and only got back to my bed around 1:30pm. My fella was really worried.

The next day i was discharged and told to rest but also keep active, so i went down to the poolside with him so he could enjoy the pool and then later in the day we walked down to the town (really really slow) to pick up some tea. The next day we had to buy some clexane from the pharmacy and some dressings for my wounds.

Going Home
Thankfully throughout all of this, our insurance (Tesco) and the hospital we're great. I had forgot my European Health Insurance Card, and the hospital helped me get another one. The insurance sorted everything with the hospital and the only thing we lost out on was the cost of the Taxi's to and from the hospital. If we had realised  that i was going to be in that long we would have hired a car.

Emotionally
Well, emotionally it was tough but i always knew it wasn't the end of the road for us so i never let these things get me down. I know we have more chances. We have 1 more egg from our free NHS cycles, and we are transferring it on 2nd November 2018. If this doesn't work then yes, its a big set back but we will find the money to have another round. I'm determined.

If you have been through this, or are currently going through this, feel free to message me on instagram sarah_icsi_ivf  or on here in the comments :)

5 things...October 2018

Sorry, i know its been a while!

01: Autumn
I seriously love autumn!! Don't get me wrong, i like summer for light mornings, ice cream, everyone is happier, you can walk around without a jacket and the kids are off so getting to work is a breeze... But Autumn colours! brisk morning walks and gingerbread hot chocolates are the best! Wearing layers, jumpers, boots, getting cosy and watching the rain outside. Putting the fire on, corned beef hash! The leaves turning red and falling, it's all so lush.

02: Most Haunted
Everyone has a guilty pleasure, mine is trash reality tv (Kardashians RHOC, Towie etc etc) and Most Haunted. I LOVE IT. The new series was just released and i'm currently binge watching it. I know its probably not 100% genuine but i do enjoy watching it. I'd love to go and stay over at a haunted house/venue. I might make that my mission in 2019.

03: Conspiracy Theories
My name is Sarah and i am WOKE!

Woke

Getting woke is like being in the Matrix and taking the red pill. You get a sudden understanding of what's really going on and find out you were wrong about much of what you understood to be truth.

I recently discovered Mile Higher Podcast, thanks to a friend. They're an American couple (Josh and Kendall) who have 1-2 hr conversations on conspiracy theories and i love listening to them. They go into detail and provide evidences but they also want you to look into it yourself and they want your opinions. Right now, i totally believe in aliens, ghosts/spirits, reincarnation and time travel haha. Most of this i believed anyway. I always wanted to know more about the Rothschilds and John Titor, and i like the True crime stuff they talk about too! Check em out HERE.

04: Halloween
Is there really much explanation needed? Halloween is fun no matter what age you are, right? I love getting dressed up :) I feel like i have got better over the years. We've hosted a party a few times over the last 4 years, apart from last year when i was in the middle of ivf treatment and this year, in which i'm hoping someone else will host.
Also this year we have been Pumpkin picking!! i've always wanted to do this :)

05: Macbook Pro!
My Macbook Pro recently packed in, well, it turns on but the battery always says 0%, so i thought it was best to get a new one now before i lost everything. I'd had my last one since 2009 :) almost 10 years, it served me well. I considered getting a 2 in 1 touchscreen laptop/tablet but i played it safe.
I LOVE IT. its so crisp and clear (retina display) the only problem is i now need Photoshop and i also want Final Cut Pro, because i'd like to make videos. I need to find a decent torrent :)

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I will be doing an ivf update very soon!

My Eye Shadow Palette Collection

Good afternoon, if anyone is reading this...well, hello! This is a little guide to my current eyeshadow palette's. There's not a day goes by that i don't put eyeshadow on. Like seriously, i only go au natural a few times of year. I just love doing my make up!!


Kat Von D - Saints & Sinner Palette £52 - Buy HERE

Believe it or not i got this palette off my friend for free (yes you heard that right) as she got two for her birthday (lucky girl or what!) So thanks to my friend I got to try out and keep this lovely palette.

When i first opened it i was like "OMG these colours are so bold and bright!" and i had no idea what to do with them. but actually they are very workable. Some, i must admit i haven't used yet, but i have made a lovely ruby/peachy colour eye. I used the colours Sacred Heart, Stigmata and Rosary, I put a hint of Relic in the inner corner to brighten it and it really was a lovely eye!

Immaculate is a great khaki that really suits my green/hazel eyes. And i also really like Chalice and Sanctuary.

Cathedral is a winner for me on the lower lash line/under eye.

Personally i probably wouldn't have paid £52 myself for it as its not an everyday palette and i could only justify that type of money for everyday.



Too Faced - Sweet Peach Palette £39 - Buy HERE

This palette i bought in July with some birthday vouchers, it was another i couldn't quite justify. Not because i thought i wouldn't use it daily, but because i had the dupe by MakeUp Revolution and it was great!! I really rate Makeup Revolution as a brand, i know they are known for dupes and some people hate that, but its decent stuff and cheap, so why the hell not.

Anyway back to the official Too Faced Sweet Peach, this palette smells GORGEOUS. The peach smell never seems to fade. Some people hate the fact that its scented but i love it. My most used shades are: Georgia and Puree as my bases, Lucious as an inner eye highlight. Bellini is my ultimate fave, i also use Caramelized, Cobbler and Summer Yum too. Peaches and Cream and Nectar i like to use as under brow highlighters. The rest I don't use as much, i've not really been using a lot of dark shades this past 6 months.

Nothing beats the original i must admit. The real deal IS the real deal. Pigment and staying power is really good.


Anastasia Beverly Hills - Modern Renaissance Palette £43 - Buy HERE

I have a confession. Mine is fake :(
I risked it on Ebay and got a fake. I didn't pay a lot which was a dead giveaway but i went for it anyway as i wanted a general idea of what the colours were like. I must admit i have used this quite a lot so i should have just bought the real thing.

Buon Fresco is my favourite base, but i also like Golden Ochre and Burnt Orange depending on what look i'm going for. I like to use Antique Bronze and Cyprus Umber to give depth and for when i'm feeling daring i will lash on some Venetian Red and Love Letter.

Urban Decay - Naked 3 Palette £39.50 - Buy HERE

Urban Decay were my first venture into more expensive palettes. I got the Naked 2 Palette and absolutely loved it, but i used it to death and now i barely touch it. When Naked 3 came out i had to get it as the colours were so me.

Looking in my pan i can clearly tell you my favourites...Limit (the ultimate base colour) is almost gone, Strange (the lightest colour) has actually gone :(
Nooner i use in the crease and then i tend to lash on any of the following Trick, Liar and Factory sometimes id use Buzz or Mugshot but the darker ones id rarely use.

Makeup Revolution - Life on the Dance Floor VIP Palette £10 !! - Buy HERE 

This is the best budget makeup brand right now! - fact.
I literally love their eyeshadow palettes. Also i should mention their bronzer and highlighters are pretty decent too. Avoid lipsticks except their liquid lipsticks, they are also good (check out Reign)

This particular palette i have just purchased because i love every single colour and know i will use it everyday. The pigment and staying power (i always use eye shadow primer - thought i should mention that) is really good.

I think i will mostly use the colours Worthy, Notable, Rank and On The Rocks as bases. Then Fame, cocktail, Tycoon, Reputation, On Tab and Influence to make them POP!

Realistically i'm going to use almost all of these. This has a big thumbs up from me!


Freedom London - Pro Decadence Todays Tonight Palette - £3 (i shit you not- it was on sale) - Unfortunately this is no longer available

This palette doesn't have shade names so i can't tell you my most used but i'm sure you can see from the picture. The pretty sparkly pink (in the bottom right) on top of the lilac (next door but one to it) are such a great combo and really compliment my eye colour.
The nudes are great bases for when i'm having a natural make up day. I really really love this palette due to the value for money and the colours last all day. ( i rocked the lilac rose gold combo everyday for a week at work because i loved it so much.

Bargain! and brilliant.


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I just bought a ring light so I will try and do some examples and update this blog post to show you how i use them very soon :)